Unplanned Incidents
by TwinTrouble
Summary: Companion fic to 'Unplanned Paternity'. Any drabbles you lot want me to write, this is where they'll go. This is any gaps and silences, any cute baby moments, any bits and peices I missed out in the main story. Send me requests for bits you want. :
1. Drabble 1: Parenting

twin1: Hi, guys! Okay, so this is the first of what I'm sure will be many, many drabbles that are companion to my other fic, Unplanned Paternity. Send in any requests you have for drabbles, and I'l pick the ones that strike my fancy to write. 'Course, if any of you lot wanna write your super-awesome idea yourself, I will totally put it up as well. *laughs*

So, this is the first. The second is already mostly written, so should be put up soon. Please forgive any spelling mistakes - it's un-betaed. In fact, Twin2 doesn't even know I'm putting this up...

...She'll figure it out.

Enjoy!

**Drabble 1: Parenting**

**Two years old**

Kakashi winced and moved quickly to pull Naruto away from the cupboard the tiny boy had managed to pull open. Redirecting the toddler, he carefully closed the doors and after casting around for a better solution, used a length of ninja wire to secure them closed, making sure Naruto couldn't get at the cleaning chemicals stored beneath the sink.

He had _just_ done that when there was a crash and Naruto began to wail. Spinning, Kakashi felt a moment of panic when he realised that Naruto had pulled the kettle off the bench and onto himself. Thankfully, the jounin hadn't had time to make a cup of tea this morning, so the water in the jug was cool, but it seemed to have hit the infant on the head as it fell, and Naruto's clothes were soaked through.

"Oh, no," he said, awkwardly picking the boy off the ground. There was a moment of unpractised shifting before he managed to settle a still-howling Naruto against his chest, little feet hooked around his torso and small hands clinging to his shirt. A blonde head was lain against his chest and Naruto choked out a broken "Dad-dy" between two sobs.

"It's okay, Naruto," Kakashi said awkwardly, anxiously checking the bump on the boy's head. It _looked_ okay, but it was awfully red, and there was a lump forming – Naruto was real small, maybe he should take him to the hospital. _Practical Parenting_ had given detailed instructions about looking after a newborn's head and neck because babies couldn't support the weight of their own head and had soft skulls – skulls broken into _seven_ pieces. _Seven_! Sure, Naruto was older now, and could hold up his own head, but what if his skull was still too soft to survive a blow from a heavy kettle, even if it was glancing? What if he had brain damage? What if he'd fractured his skull or given himself concussion? Kakashi needed to take him to the hospital for that, definitely, but what if they thought he'd done it on purpose? What if they took Naruto away from him? What if-

"Daddy?" Naruto's tears had petered out now, and he was just hiccuping occasionally, though his face was red and blotchy – over the last two weeks, Kakashi had learnt that tears in toddlers came on a whim and left within minutes. "Bobble?"

Kakashi looked at him seriously, taking one last anxious glance at the bump on the blonde head. "Are you alright, Naruto?" he asked carefully. "Are you dizzy? Sleepy? Is your vision blurry?"

The child looked at him, clearly confused, his vocabulary not _nearly_ good enough to understand what Daddy was asking. He extracted one hand from Daddy's shirt and put it up to his head, near the bump that had already stopped hurting, that his young mind had already mostly forgotten. "Ow," he said solemnly. Then he turned begging eyes up at Daddy, whose silver eyebrows were drawn together in a frown. "Bobble?"

Kakashi hesitated, but Naruto _seemed _fine, and from the fusses he'd seen children much older than Naruto make over even simple things like cuts that needed stitches, he'd assume that the boy would be fussing much more if the injury was serious. Still, the Hatake made a mental note to watch the boy _very_ carefully for the next twenty-four hours.

This decided, he hiked the toddler tighter against his left hip, securing him with an arm, and began to pour full-cream cow's milk into a plastic bottle one-handed, granting Naruto's repeated request. Spinning the top onto it firmly, he stuck it in the microwave for ten seconds and then took a swig of the resultant milk (arms too full to try a more conventional drop-on-the-wrist to test its temperature). Judging it to be warm enough to be comfortable but not hot enough to burn the kid's mouth, he handed the bottle off on the dripping child, who took it with a cheered "Bobble!" as if he was greeting an old friend.

Kakashi's bed had become the designated change table in the last week since he had moved into the one-room apartment with a three-turned-one-and-a-half-year-old, and now he set the blonde down there and rummaged in his backpack for a new (hopefully dry) set of clothes.

Once Naruto was cleaned up and changed, he was summarily dumped in his crib with Oink to keep him company, his 'bobble' to keep him fed and a wooden pallet with several pegs stuck in it that were designed to be pushed or pulled and slide through the holes to keep him occupied. Then the teen turned to rightening his home.

The kettle was unplugged and placed high above the microwave, and Kakashi set about securing any cabinets he hadn't already.

Childproofing things was _hard_, especially in such a small place, where he had no room to designate even a room to a 'child-free' slot, where he could store his weapons and lethal chemicals. In fact, he could hardly take a step in his limited floor space without having to dodge one of Naruto's (admittedly few) toys.

Naruto had thrown his toy out of the crib, and Kakashi had to rush to stop him from killing himself as he clambered out of the crib in pursuit of it, nearly falling directly on his poor, abused head in the process. More than a decade of shinobi-hood paid off, though, and Kakashi managed to catch the kid before he _brained_ himself.

Parenthood was hard work.

At that exact moment, there was a brisk knock on the door. Kakashi scarcely had time to register the noise before the unlocked door was swinging open, revealing a wild-looking woman with a toddler on her hip and leading a girl of around seven or eight by the wrist. Inuzuka Tsume.

Tsume paused in the doorway, taking in the kid – the kid with a kid, which didn't automatically classify him as 'adult' in her mind. Standing in the middle of his messy apartment, holding the little blonde thing almost defensively, eyes wide with fatigue and something undefinable that the single mother understood very well.

"Hey, kid," she grunted, pushing her daughter into the room ahead of her and planting her son on the ground, uncaring of the mess. She shut the door behind her to prevent escape and strode further therein, grinning at the way the teen almost sulkily reached to set his facemask in place. She wasn't surprised that he hadn't had time to complete dressing that morning – hell, she was a little surprised he was even out of his _pyjamas_, knowing how those horror-filled mornings went until you adjusted to having to look after someone else as well as you, a skill which could take years to master.

"…Inuzuka-sama. What are you doing here?" Kakashi asked, fighting the urge to back away (where would he go?) Tsume grinned, sharp teeth glinting.

"Word has it you haven't been seen in the two weeks since you got back," she said. "Figured you were struggling – dropped by to help out. I got a whole clan backing me up: seems you're on your lonesome. Anyway. I have food," she brandished her backpack, which she slid off her shoulders in that moment, "-I have infant distraction," she gestured at Kiba on the ground, who was chewing on one of Naruto's wooden blocks, "-and I have free labour." Here, she waved at the elder of her children. "So you sit down… somewhere… bed, I guess, and eat what I'm gonna guess is your first proper meal since you got back, while the little ones play an' Hana here babysits and picks up some things for ya. Then we'll make an outin', set 'em loose in my clan compound where they can't get lost and give you a breather, eh?"

Tsume watched with more than a little amusement as the teenager fought to both bristle with indignation at her gall and sag with relief that someone was taking charge. _Kid has no idea how much he's gonna appreciate this later_, she thought, thinking fondly of the aid she'd gotten from sisters, cousins and friends after Hana was born, and again when Kiba was a baby. _It's about time he caught a break._

* * *

Twin1: So, remember to drop in your thoughts, comments, and suggestions for other drabbles. Anything you think I missed in UP the first time through. See you later!


	2. Drabble 2: To Streak or Not to Streak

**Drabble 2: To Streak or Not to Streak, That Is the Question**

**Requested by ****Amelia Lynn**** (and kinda by ****maliekal tharakan****. Sorry, this isn't potty training, but it is close…)**

**In ANBU, 12 months old – true age**

"Sweetie, hold still," Mouse ordered sternly. The blonde wiggling his way around the changing pad didn't even give her a glance, let alone heed her command. Mouse sighed and pinned the brat as best she could with her forearms, trying to keep the infant still enough to pin the cloth diapers around his hips with a safety pin.

Naruto, revelling in his recently-honed skill of walking, decided it was time to utilise the talent and waited for the moment Mouse relaxed her grip on him to roll off the changing mat (a few too many rolls off the changing _table_ had convinced Mouse that it wasn't a good idea to elevate Naruto during these times) and hit the ground running. Mouse lunged after him, tiny pants in one hand, but Naruto slipped through her fingers like quicksilver and ran for the door.

She sighed. "At least he has a diaper on."

No sooner had she spoken then the toddler stopped, tugged at his nappy for a moment as if to adjust it, and laughed happily as the clumsily attached safety pin gave way and the diaper tumbled to the ground. Naruto grinned widely at his caretaker, then took off like dogs were chasing him, streaking through the corridors of ANBU HQ. Mouse groaned.

* * *

During one of his visits, the Hokage had offered the suggestion to change Naruto inside the child's playpen – that way, Naruto couldn't run off. Encouraged by the solution, Mouse had set up inside the wooden cage the next time the child began to smell a little ripe.

Naruto lay still and quiet for the first portion of the changing just as he always did: he didn't care for being soiled and uncomfortable any more than any adult did, and Mouse dared to hope the Hokage's method would work. Unfortunately, the moment she reached for the little pile of fresh laundered diapers, Naruto shot off the plastic changing mat like it was red hot. He looked all around, seeing only bars, and looked back at Mouse with a definite pout at the idea of his fun being ruined so easily. Mouse smiled at him, now confident in her victory.

"Come on, Naruto. Let's put your clothes on," she said brightly. Naruto's tiny face scrunched up in a frown, pout growing to one of epic proportion. He waddled closer, and Mouse put out her hand to draw him near. He toddled his way right into her lap, and Mouse once more reached for the diaper, intent on navigating it on despite the awkward pose. Naruto grabbed the upper lip of her breastplate with his right hand and the top of the playpen with his left, and before Mouse could catch him heaved himself up, tumbling over quicker than either person expected. For a moment, Mouse froze, ready for screaming and injury, but Naruto popped up and took off running, little arms moving to ditch his shirt on the way.

Mouse never fell for that again, but within two days Naruto had learnt to scale the sides of the playpen, rendering it useless for confining him during both diaper changing and play.

* * *

Boar came up with the idea of changing Naruto in pairs – one to hold him, one to do the deed. Unfortunately, they underestimated the sheer slippery wiggliness of a baby fresh out of the bath, and Naruto seemed to be able to move his arms and legs in completely contradicting ways. He kicked like he was a propeller to prevent Mouse from capturing his bottom in the dreaded material at the same moment he was busily gumming his way along Boar's arm, happily being as gross and slobbery as possible. He got away very quickly that time, and a thoroughly disgusted Boar never volunteered to help change Naruto ever again.

"Men are _such babies_," Mouse had complained to the head of ANBU, codenamed 'Head' for simplicity, twenty minutes later when Naruto was discovered beneath his desk. Head had waved her away and dropped his head into his hands, bemoaning the desecration of his perfectly filed paperwork that had occurred when a naked baby rolled all over it and ended up with enough ink splodges on his damp skin to make him look like a Dalmatian puppy.

* * *

"You know, you could try these." It was Ox who offered, the shinobi a man-and-a-half tall with a chest three men wide. He was surprisingly taken with the infant resident of HQ, and had been watching Mouse wrestle with the baby in the communal living areas of the barracks often over the last month or so. He'd also borne witness to the many, many times Naruto had won and raced away, stark naked. The kid was getting way, way too good at stripping like greased lightning.

Mouse blinked at the offered package. It looked like a bundle of white plastic compressed together within a clear plastic bag, ready for disposal. "What's that?"

Blushing a little, Ox tore open the package and pulled out a piece of the white plastic within. Shaking it out, he offered it to Mouse. "My sister uses them. They're, um, disposable diapers. They're one-use, and they stick with these strips, see? No pins. Might be easier."

Mouse examined the object – it _looked_ like a diaper, that was true. It even had tiny cartoon figurines dancing across the rump, which would look undeniably cute on her little horror, if she ever managed to get them on.

"Okay," she beamed. "I'll try them. Thanks, Ox."

Ox blushed more and mumbled an excuse before shoving the baby gear into her hands and making a break for it. He didn't manage to avoid his squadmates sniggering at him, but a look from Mouse quietened the other men.

Naruto seemed surprised enough by the new diapers that he lay still and let Mouse put them on. His face screwed up in disgust as Mouse lifted him and set him on his feet, plastic contraption in place, and patted the little mice on his rear end with triumphant affection. Looking into the infant's blue eyes, the ANBU woman knew with a sinking feeling that the next instalment of this struggle would be war.

Sure enough, a couple of hours later, Mouse steeled herself and fetched the changing mat. Naruto started to whine as she pulled him away from his blocks, but as she laid him back on the mat, his complaining died out, and Mouse knew for certain a new game was starting. The old diaper came off, much less messily than the material kind, and Mouse cleaned up the baby quickly, then tried for speed to snap on the new diaper. She managed to get it under Naruto and stick the first tab before the baby really started protesting, but then had to make a grab for the kid as he all but threw himself into the air on his way to rolling over. His free leg kicked and wiggled, and Mouse discovered the main problem with these cool new diapers. While the material diapers were more fiddly, they looped around the baby's hips and gave the changer something to hold on to. The disposable brand fastened one side at a time, giving her little Houdini a convenient side door to duck out of the way of confinement. After a long struggle, Naruto managed to roll his way out of the plastic and scramble under the couch, giggling as he dodged away from Mouse again and again.

When she finally managed to apprehend him nearly a half-hour later, Mouse ruefully thought that these diapers were still cooler than the old-fashioned ones, but were far from a perfect fix.

* * *

Owl was the next one to suggest a solution. In his gentle, quiet way, he knocked on the door to Mouse's apartment and let himself in when she called, offering her a bundle carefully wrapped in brown paper.

"I found these on my latest mission to Snow," he said softly. "They're designed to be put on simply and quickly, to get infants out of the snow as fast as possible when they have to be changed and it is cold."

Mouse took the parcel and opened it curiously, and thought for a second that Owl had very thoughtfully given her a gift… that was exactly the same as the option Ox had found for her a month ago. She had just enough time to wonder how the aging man had missed Naruto dropping the diapers around HQ over the last weeks before she realised that there was one crucial difference.

These had no tabs. They didn't require the child to stay still while she secured them to his lower half. Instead, they had a stretchy waistband that seemed to function like normal underwear.

Mouse had to restrain herself from hugging Owl for this stroke of genius.

Her happiness was short-lived. Sure enough, they were easy to put on, and Naruto actually let her, which was a surprise. Mouse honestly thought she'd found the solution to the never-ending struggle, and hummed her way through the following ten minutes.

Until she looked over and saw Naruto happily pushing the diaper back down again. At that moment, Mouse realised the flaw: easily on meant easily off, and Naruto was more than adept at stripping his pants from his chubby little legs. The woman groaned as she realised – no wonder the toddler had no issue with the diapers.

Mouse watched as a naked child wandered happily around the room, and sighed.

"Well, bang goes that idea."

* * *

Another day, another trail of tiny clothing leading towards the common room. Another naked baby exploring the room, looking over shoulders and crawling under tables. Mouse was hurrying after him, clothing in hand, trying to coax him out from where he was and failing miserably.

Naruto was laughing, hidden under a corner of a low table just out of Mouse's arm reach. The laughter cut off as a large hand grabbed him from behind and dragged him out from his hiding place, and suddenly he found himself hanging upside-down by one ankle. For a moment, he was disoriented, before he focused on the smooth, white face of his captor.

"Gog! Gog, gog, goggy!"

'Gog' – the 'da' sound was still beyond the one year old – lifted him higher, still holding him only by his right ankle. "Mouse," he said quietly to the woman a little taller than he was, "Why is this child unclothed?"

Mouse winced at the threat inherent in Dog's voice, and explained the situation concisely. She tried not to react as the teen frowned at her, obviously unhappy but too proud to say so.

"Thank you, Dog-san," she said, holding out her arms. "I'll take him now."

Dog hesitated, then held out the dangling infant, the boy's upside-down face turning an alarming shade of red. As Mouse took him and tipped him back the right way up, Dog leant back on one leg and crossed his arms almost defensively.

"Try housebreaking him," the dog handler muttered, and disappeared without another word. Mouse remained frozen in his wake, then looked down at the contented (if naked) child in her arms.

"That boy has more sense than he knows, chibi. Starting this afternoon: toilet training."


	3. Drabble 3: Party Time

Twin1: Just a little, uber-short drabblet today. For my lovely sister, who thinks I haven't noticed her plotting with the army of fans forming to defend me against internet trolls. One day, when she notices this little side-story's existence, she will no doubt be put out by the fact that I noticed her ninja sneakiness. Until then, it's our secret. Shh!

**Drabble 3: Party Time**

**Written for Twin2**

**Two years old**

Kurenai leant against the couch and fanned herself with one hand, trying to reassure herself that the flush lighting her cheeks was due to the two standard drinks she'd had, and not because Asuma was the one who had fetched them for her. It was hot in the crowded room, and she sought refuge in the more open area by the door while she waited for Asuma to come back and find her again after he had dealt with the irritating duties that being the Hokage's son entailed at social gatherings.

The nearby door opened slowly, almost sulkily, and Kurenai was startled to see Kakashi to be the one behind it, little Naruto propped up in the crook of his arm.

"Kakashi," she said in greeting, trying and failing to get the note of surprise out of her tone. He scowled at her.

"Attendance at the annual New Year jounin-chuunin party is mandatory, to encourage comradeship and social interaction," he said, quoting from the memo that had been sent around from the Hokage's office. Kurenai hid a smile.

"My, Naruto's gotten big, hasn't he?" she said, to change the subject. Kakashi shrugged.

"We're not staying long," he said shortly. "It's already past this one's bedtime." His head nodded towards the blonde child gesturing wildly at the astounding sight that was a mediocre party comprised of mostly-bored shinobi. Carefully closing the door to prevent escape and looking around for any other passages out of the room, the father set the boy down. Naruto was off on busy toddler-business, but for a moment, Kurenai got a good look at him.

When he'd first come in, she'd thought the boy was clad entirely in Kakashi-standard black. Now, standing straight and away from his father, she could see that the shirt had a pattern printed on it. 'Timeout Club: Official Member' bannered its way across the small chest, highlighted by a scowling orange emoticon. The boy turned and ran, off on his way, letting Kurenai catch a glimpse of the words he bore on his shoulders: 'Don't mess with me, my Daddy kicks butt!'

She turned her reddish eyes towards said daddy, who very clearly had noticed her noticing. He shifted uncomfortably, but his glare was defiant.

"It was _there_," he said, by way of explanation. Kurenai smirked.


	4. Drabble 4: A Talk

Twin1: Man, you guys ask for weird stuff. Stuff that is funny as a concept, but as actual prose is just gross. Diaper changes? Yes, funny to think of Kakashi changing diapers, not so cool when you have two thousand words of descriptions of baby poop. And The Talk? Why have I been asked for The Talk? I never even think about The Talk in babyfics.

Twin2: The reason for that is apparent when attention is drawn to how aptly you were renamed in a recent review, TwinRainbow. Watcha writing A/Ns for?

Twin1: *innocent* Nothing. Okay, here's my best take on The Talk. Sorry if it sucks, I did my best, because I love my reviewers and want them to be happy.

**Therefore: Warning! **

This drabble contains mentions of, discussions of and/or allusions to sex, sexual situations, rape, pregnancy, and prostitution. This is NOT smut. It is NOT educational porn. It is The Talk. It is a version of The Talk that one might have with an eight year old… who is going to be a ninja. But an eight year old. I am soo far out of my comfort zone, I am flying blind. Be kind in your reviews. And be grateful that I even attempted it. Also, please try and make your requests a little easier on me… (huddles in corner)

* * *

**Drabble 4: A Talk**

**Requested by Hatsuharu Miku**

Eight Years Old

It wasn't often that he got handwritten letters from Naruto's teacher. Mostly it was formal typed letters that dealt with official matters. Handwritten meant personal correspondence.

Sparing a moment to entertain the amusing if ludicrous idea that it was a love letter (a rumour he'd heard in the village about him and the young chuunin had made him literally laugh himself sick just last week) the jounin split the envelope and tugged out the folded sheet of paper inside.

Yep, handwritten. Iruka-sensei's kanji were neat and even, his columns and lines straight in a way Kakashi could never have managed. "Man," the jounin said, staring at the calligraphy. "What is he, a human typewriter?"

Actually reading the notice, Kakashi's hand spasmed and he dropped the note, before snatching it up again and clutching it to his chest in a concealing motion like it was a dirty picture and he was in the presence of Tsume. After another moment, he cautiously re-read the note, then read it a third time. Dropping backwards into a chair, he closed his eye tightly and counted slowly to ten, hoping he was hallucinating, then read the note for the fourth time. Iruka's freakishly good handwriting stubbornly refused to form different words.

Kakashi's mouth opened, and a curse tumbled out. This was not going to be fun. Taking a few deep breaths, he sorted himself out and read the note one last time, very carefully.

_Hatake Kakashi-san_, Iruka had written,

_I know that it is unusual and perhaps a bit presumptuous for me to write to you, and I hope you forgive the liberty I have taken. I wished to write to warn you of the unit of work that Naruto's class will be taught in a fortnight's time. _

_It has come time for the fifth form to undergo the Academy-level sexual education that all shinobi must learn. As I am sure you are aware, this includes biological information, interrogation tactics that may be employed by enemy shinobi, safe practices, health risks associated with underage pregnancy, prostitution as a part of shinobi infiltration tactics, and an assortment of other details guided by the students' own questions. _

_Naruto is very young, relative to his classmates, and I am a little concerned that he is not ready for the subject matter that will soon be at hand. Unfortunately, our time at the Academy is limited and I am unsure of when he might complete this mandatory unit if not with his classmates._

_For this reason I am writing. If you heavily object to your child joining his classmates at his young age, I request that you remove him from school for the days between the twelfth and the twenty-third of August. I feel it would be wise for Naruto to be instructed in some basic information by a trusted adult, though, before he returns to his class, as the other students are likely to talk about what they have been learning. If he is not, I suspect that he may get a distorted or frightening story from his friends._

_If you choose to allow Naruto to attend the classes, it may still be advisable to speak to him about the topic and give him a basic understanding of sexual issues, if you have not done so already. Given his age and despite his relative maturity, it may be harder for him to assimilate the knowledge if it is a totally foreign concept. After all, he is the age of most third-form students, where the common belief is that girls have Cooties and are not to be touched._

_Again, I apologise if I have been improper or overstepped my boundaries. If you wish, I am more than happy to be the trusted adult to speak privately to Naruto about this. I can also have a female instructor or the Academy's child psychologist address the issue. Please let me know what you decide._

_Sincerely,_

_Umino Iruka-sensei_

"Sex ed?" Kakashi said out loud. "He _can't _be old enough for sex ed yet… right?" He did some quick mental math. No, Naruto's true age was ten, which _was_ the age for the first level of sexual education in the Academy. Jounin sensei would handle the second and third instalments when the kids were roughly twelve and sixteen, respectively, and then it fell to team captains to teach their squadmates as missions and issues came up. So technically it was time for Naruto to learn about… well… that. He'd be going through puberty soon – maybe as soon as in a few months' time – and that would include all sorts of things that made the jounin's skin crawl in embarrassment just to think about. Wet dreams, hair in weird places, hormone craziness, testosterone being introduced to a system for the first time… for the first time in at least a few years, Kakashi seriously considered tendering his resignation and aborting the undercover parenting mission he'd been assigned then and there. How was he going to prepare Naruto for all that, or deal with it when it came?

As far as Kakashi knew, Naruto was young for his true age and stuck well in the midst of the 'cootie' era, with barely an inkling of sex. He knew about kissing, Kakashi was fairly sure, and that one didn't touch or display reproductive organs, but it was entirely possible that he still didn't know (or care) where babies came from, let alone darker concepts such as prostitution or rape. Which left a very important question.

"What am I supposed to do?"

After a long moment of contemplation, Kakashi stood, gathered his vest, hitai-ate, and the letter from the teacher, shoved his feet into his sandals, and left for the Inuzuka compound.

* * *

"What do you mean she's on a mission?" Kakashi almost-shouted. The Inuzuka man standing just inside the compound barring his way bared his teeth just a fraction.

"I mean that Tsume-sama is gone," he spoke slowly, like Kakashi was an idiot, "Out of the village, with a team, to complete a mission assigned by the Hokage. What _else_ could 'on a mission' mean?" Kakashi chose to ignore the sarcasm, his desperation outweighing any dominance-determining sarcasm wars that normally had to take place.

"When will she be back?"

The Inuzuka shrugged lazily. "Two weeks, three."

"But I need her _now_," Kakashi almost whined. The dog-man scowled at him.

"Tsume-sama's sole purpose is not to answer to your beck and call, Hatake. Now get out."

Kakashi stumbled out of the Inuzuka compound, feeling a little like he was drowning. Tsume wasn't here to beg advice off. What did he do? All of his friends were childless and his own age to boot, so they would be no help. He could go to the Hokage, but given that Sarutobi had seen fit to put _him_ in the sex ed class when Kakashi was four and eight months of age, the jounin had an inkling that he wouldn't like the Hokage's solution. Jiraiya was an option, but a just plain bad one. Who else was there in his sensei's or father's generation that could give him some _sensible_ advice?

Sitting on the curb with his head in his hands to think, Kakashi spent a minute or two wishing for alcohol before an idea made itself known, an idea so insane that he laughed out loud and actually looked around for alcohol bottles that evidenced the liquor he must have magically ingested by sheer willpower.

Still, he didn't exactly have a better plan, so he got up, dusted himself off, and began to walk down the sidewalk to a compound belonging to another clan.

Hyuuga.

* * *

Hiashi was startled when one of his Branch relatives knocked on the door to his sitting room and told him that Hatake Kakashi had come to see him. He felt a momentary jolt of fear for his children, overlapped a microsecond later by fear for Kakashi's child, before he remembered that all four children were safe at the Academy and that for them to be taken from _there_ would involve hell being raised by the teachers on a level that would bring the whole village running. Still, it wasn't like Hatake to make a social call.

"Show him in, please," he said, and Kakashi was brought in a minute or so later. The jounin was a little haphazard, as if his accessories had been put on as he left the house in a great hurry. He was also a little dirty, and had a smudge of something dark across his vest. Not the typical look of visitors to the Main House of the Hyuuga complex.

"Kakashi-san," Hiashi said, courteous to the last. "What a pleasant surprise. Please, sit." He gestured to a mat on the floor across from his own, and Kakashi sat down stiffly. Hiashi silently poured him a cup of steaming green tea from the pot sitting on a tray to his right, and handed it over without comment. He let other the man sip it for a little while, before shifting a little and saying, "What can I do for you today, Kakashi-san?"

"I need some advice." The words sounded desperate, and fell out of Kakashi's mouth in a rapid jumble. Hiashi blinked, a delay occurring between hearing and understanding, and a quiet smile began to form around the edges of his mouth.

"I see. Well, I am more than happy to oblige," he told the younger man, wondering with some amusement what had gotten the Hatake so worked up. He felt a moment of pity; Kakashi had grown up without a father, and seemed to need someone to fill that role right now, much as Tsume seemed to have stepped into the mothering role in Kakashi's life.

Choosing not to let his thoughts wander to the metaphorical implications of his relationship to the Inuzuka, Hiashi focused on the young man kneeling across from him, waiting for an answer. He would do his best to give some suitable and helpful advice, thereby cementing the fledgling alliance that was growing between their two clans. Kakashi tried and failed to start speaking several times, before he just held out a slip of paper wordlessly.

Hiashi took the note carefully, realising it was a handwritten letter, and read it through. Oh. So that was what this was about, was it? And the young father was seeking advice on how to approach the issue. Hiashi had to smile at that, making sure to hide the expression behind the letter he was reading. How cute.

He had just recently had this conversation with his eldest daughter in preparation for the learning that would take place at the Academy. He had spoken at much greater length to his nephew the year before that, ensuring that Neji knew very well the possible consequences of intimate relations, especially as a member of a highly sought-after clan. He completely understood what Kakashi must be feeling.

"I see," he said when he was sure the note of amusement would not be in his voice. "What is it you wish to ask me, Kakashi-san?"

"What do I do?" the Hatake asked, almost plaintively. "Should I just send him to the Academy, or maybe tell Iruka-sensei to talk to him, or do I have to-"

Hiashi cut in gently. "Kakashi-san, if you have never broached this topic with your son before, I suggest that it is you who speaks to him. It is important that he hears it from your mouth, in your words."

"But… I… I've never – that is, I don't know how – I wouldn't know what to…" Kakashi winced and trailed off. Hiashi once more smiled just a little, finding humour in the younger man's stumbling. The Hatake was blushing, too – his ears had gone pink. The Hyuuga was willing to bet that underneath that mask he was as red as the cushion he was seated on. It really was cute. Neji had had almost the exact same reaction when The Talk had come up.

"I would suggest that you speak honestly. Children are clever, Kakashi-san, and don't like patronisation. Your son would prefer you to be frank and tell him the truth. Just let him be aware of basic mechanics, and his school teacher will handle the rest."

Kakashi shifted uncomfortably in place. "Really? Is that… is that what you did with your kids?"

"With Hinata-chan, yes. Neji-kun I afforded a deeper level of understanding, with an emphasis placed on enemy shinobi who would seduce or rape a member of a clan in the pursuit of a bloodline. But you needn't worry about that," Hiashi added quickly, correctly interpreting the look of horror on Kakashi's face. "Iruka-san will cover that topic in classes. I was just being cautious with Neji. Does that help you at all?"

Kakashi nodded slowly and set his cup on the floor beside him. "It does," he said, bowing his head a little. "Thank you, Hyuuga-sama."

They spoke for a few more minutes, exchanging polite conversation, before Hiashi quietly shooed his guest out onto the street with the missive, "Best to find Naruto-kun and have your talk today. That way, he has time to think on the matter and organise his questions for his teacher."

Kakashi had come very close to whimpering, but had acquiesced to Hiashi's directions.

* * *

An hour later, in the Hatake home, father and son faced off.

"Naruto, when a man and a woman love each other…" Kakashi hesitated, but the cliché way of beginning just didn't work for him. Naruto was watching with big eyes, waiting. Kakashi tried a different track.

"Pup, where do babies come from?"

"Girls make them," Naruto replied promptly. He nodded. "In their tummies," he added, rubbing his stomach area to demonstrate. "Dunno how they get them out, though…"

Kakashi hesitated. That innocence was adorable and refreshing and lovely, it was so sad to shatter it. _At least he knows the right story_, he thought to himself, pleased that his son had deduced the most observable source of infants, though he hadn't grasped the ultimate source. "That's right," he agreed, rubbing his neck awkwardly and wishing that he could just abandon this conversation forever and ever. "Uhm, what I wanted to talk to you was about… well… how babies get _into _their mother's tummies."

Naruto looked at him in confusion. "Don't girls just make 'em?" he asked, frank and curious. Kakashi hesitated again.

"Not… not quite. Um… Mothers need… help… it takes a girl _and_ a boy to make a baby. So when they… that is… sometimes two people…uh…"'

Why couldn't Naruto be a chatterbox _now_? He was just _sitting _there, _watching_ his father with those _eyes_ and _listening_. Kakashi took a deep breath and tried again.

"Naru, you're getting older now, and soon you're going to be all grown up. You need to know about a few things grown-ups do."

Naruto nodded, his expression indicating that he was already _over_ this part of the conversation. "I know, Dad. You've kinda already said that. I need to know something. Something about guys, girls and babies."

"Sex." Kakashi blurted the word out, and Naruto stopped talking to stare at him in a mixture of horror and fascination.

"That's a bad word!" he accused. Kakashi sighed.

"No, it's not, Naruto," he said. "Sex is the word used for when… when… when we… I mean, when a man and a woman… well, _most_ of the time it's a man and a woman…"

"Dad." Once more, Naruto broke through the babbling. "Just tell me."

So Kakashi did. In as few words as possible, as bluntly as he could. Naruto's mouth dropped open in horror and he turned an interesting shade of green.

"_That's _how it happens?" he half-screeched. "Guys stick _that_… where?"

"Don't make me say it again," warned Kakashi. Naruto wasn't listening. He was rocking a little, holding his head in his hands.

"_Everyone_ does this?" he demanded. "Like, everyone was…made… like that? _Everyone?_" Kakashi nodded. Naruto jumped to his feet. "Even _me_? So you…"

Hellfire, this was torture. Now he was discussing his sexual exploits with his _son_. Wrong on so many levels. Hiashi was wrong: honesty was clearly _not_ the way to go on this matter. He should have just wrapped Naruto up in bubble wrap and stuck him in a closet full of cotton wool. "Yes. I did."

Naruto fisted his hair and stumbled away a bit, as if trying to shake out the unwanted information, both functional and personal. "EEEEEEWWW! UGH! Dad, why did you _tell_ me that stuff? I don't care where babies… how they… why our things are…. Ugh! Yuck! Da~ad!"

Kakashi actually let out a little laugh and got up to set the kettle boiling so he could make some tea. "Naruto, every parent on the planet gives their kid The Talk. I had to. Also, you're going to be learning about it in class, so I was told you should have a bit of a heads up."

Naruto's blue eyes were huge in his horror. "You mean I have to hear _more_ about – about – _this_?" he squeaked. Kakashi just nodded, not trusting his voice. Naruto turned away abruptly and trotted to the door.

"I'm going to be sick," he announced, and left the room in a hurry.

Kakashi didn't see him again until the next morning. Neither ever mentioned the conversation again.


	5. Drabble 5: Concerning Mummy

**Twin1: **Just a short one today, dealing with The Mummy Issue. If you have any suggestions for drabbles, don't forget to drop them in, kay?

* * *

**Drabble 5: Concerning Mummy**

**Requested by Mikan**

* * *

**Three Years Old**

Naruto was sitting on the floor of the living room with a patient Bull curled up at his back, designated babysitter to make sure the little one stayed on task while Kakashi attended to some maintenance around the old house. The little blonde was frowning, staring at the book of hirigana before him. He looked a little stuck.

Kakashi paused when he happened to walk past the doorway into the room and spot the expression, and after barely a second's hesitation put down his repair tools and approached the child.

"What's the matter, Naruto? Is it too hard? Do you want me to help you?" As he spoke, Kakashi settled himself on the carpet next to the blonde and reached for the workbook. "Ah, you're learning about families right now. Yes, that is tricky, isn't it? Which words are you having trouble with? Cousin? Grandfather?"

Naruto's little lower lip was poked out in a contemplative pout. Tilting his head back, he looked his guardian dead in the eyes and said, "How come I don't have a mummy?" Kakashi froze, words clogging in his throat in a moment of panic. He was unable to say anything. Naruto pressed forwards. "I mean, Kiba has a mummy, and he says he had a daddy too but his daddy left them when he was me."

If he hadn't been busy trying to figure out how to respond to this question, Kakashi would have smiled at the phrasing – by 'when he was me', the child meant 'when Kiba was my age'. Naruto was still talking.

"And Hana says that everyone has a daddy _and_ a mummy and so I wanted to know where mine is and if you didn't get one when you got me I thought we could go tell the Hokage and he could find my mummy for me."

"Wait, wait." Kakashi _had_ to stop the little boy there, had to process what had already been said before more information got dumped on the pile. "Naruto-chan, your mother – I mean, Mummy…"

What to tell the boy? Should he shut down and refuse to talk about her, which would mean that the curious three year old would ask Tsume the next time he saw her and it would be up to the Inuzuka to explain both where the missing matriarch of the Hatake household was _and_ why Naruto was never to bring up the topic? Or perhaps he should tell Naruto about the woman, let him grow up knowing the fiction that the Hokage had woven for him. The thought of lying left a bad taste in Kakashi's mouth – Sensei would never want his son to be misled about something so important.

Maybe he could tell Naruto the truth – carefully. He could speak of Kushina-san to the three year old, telling Sensei's son what he knew of the woman who had birthed him, while never actually saying anything that couldn't be referring to the fictional innkeeper's daughter that Kakashi had supposedly bedded. They had died the same way, at least, so this conversation in particular would be neither a lie nor contrary to the mission.

That sounded like a good option, the jounin thought a little proudly, pleased with his logical navigation of one of the first of many landmines this mission would no doubt entail.

"Naruto," he said, keeping his voice soft and gentle, "I'm sorry. It's true that you don't have a mummy anymore."

To his surprise, Naruto's eyes lit up and he began babbling _again_, quicker this time. "Everyone gets a mummy, Daddy, Hana said so! So we're s'posed to get a mummy too, and you said that the Hokage puts people together when they need to be put together, so he made a mistake because I got a daddy but not a mummy. We should go and tell the Hokage that there was a mistake, and he can give us a mummy." Naruto nodded decisively, eyes unfocusing a little as he pictured the elusive woman. "Someone soft who hugs me lots and says she loves me and smells nice, like Kiba's mummy does."

Kakashi's heart clenched, and he felt a moment of intense pain at the longing that last sentence betrayed in this young child. He forced himself to swallow the grief that flared in his own heart and made a mental note to clarify when exactly the Hokage assigned people to squads and for what purpose he did so to the chibi. He also made a mental note to share Naruto's opinion of Sarutobi the Matchmaker with Tsume on Wednesday, when she was making dinner for the Hatakes.

"Naruto," Kakashi broke in again, reaching to lift the boy off the ground and hold him, for once wishing that his hard muscles could be soft and pliant so he could give the boy what he asked for. "Little one, it doesn't work like that. You had a mummy once, but she… she's not here anymore."

Naruto's wide eyes grew wider still, and his little hands wove themselves into Kakashi's shirt, holding on tight. "Where is she? Why don't I have her?" he almost whispered. Kakashi winced.

"Mummy…" And here, Kakashi realised that he'd hit a snag. Just how _did_ one say 'sorry, kid, your mum died trying to push _you_ out into the world. Yep, you killed her. Oh, and that's where babies come from: surprise!' Yeah, _no_. Taking a moment to compose a version of the truth that was three year old-friendly, Kakashi continued, choosing every word carefully. "Babies don't come to mummies and daddies by themselves. They're far too little for that. Mummies are very special, because when it's time for them to have a baby, they have to bring it home. It's a lot of hard work, but they do it because they love their baby so much. _Your_ mummy loved you lots and lots, so when it was time to go get you, she did." Naruto was barely breathing, was hanging on Kakashi's words like they were breadcrumbs and he was starving.

"What happened?"

Again, Kakashi considered how to answer. "Well… Mummy brought you home, but it was so hard that she got sick. She was so happy though, because you were so wonderful. So she gave you to your daddy, and told him to look after you really well." _And then your daddy took you and sealed a demon inside you, and died. Then I became your daddy and found myself trying to explain this whole situation._

In a very small voice, Naruto said, "Where is she?" Kakashi softened his face and gently traced Naruto's jaw.

"She couldn't get better here, so she went to heaven where she _could_ get better. That's where she still is. She was very sad to leave you and your daddy behind, and she loves you very much."

"Can we go find her?" Naruto asked, almost desperate. Kakashi shook his head.

"No, Pup. Heaven is only a place for people who are very sick and can't get better. One day we'll see her again, but we have to stay here until then." _It is a bit of a stretch arguing that _I'll _go to heaven, but then, Kushina wasn't exactly a saint either, and I doubt Naruto will die innocent, given that he's going to be a shinobi._

"Oh."

Naruto was quiet for a long time. Kakashi began to wish he had come up with something else, anything else that wouldn't have left Naruto with such a morose expression. Finally, the three year old shifted and leaned up to kiss Kakashi's masked cheek. A blonde head lay against the shinobi's shoulder, and Naruto closed his eyes. "I'm glad I have you, Daddy. I'd be sad if you went with Mummy. But I wish…"

Naruto never finished that sentence. Kakashi never asked him to, just hugged the little one tightly and wondered if he could get away with eating a few more carbohydrates and gaining a little fat as padding, to make him just a little softer to hold.

Just a little.

* * *

**OMAKE: If the cast of UP ever sat in on one of my lectures…**

Twin1: I wrote this as a joke, during what has become known as The Most Boring Lecture Of The Century. Some people actually died of boredom during it.

* * *

"Dad, why is this lecture so boring?"

Kakashi looked up and sighed. "I don't know, love," he said tiredly. "Just try to endure it. It'll be over soon."

Naruto groaned and slammed his head on the weird little table thing attached to his uncomfortable chair. His father grinned. "Play naughts and crosses," he suggested. On his other side, Sasuke scowled.

"What _is_ it with you two and that game?" the dark-haired child demanded. "You're supposed to be listening. You won't know this stuff in the exam if you don't."

Both members of the Hatake family blinked at him as if dumbfounded.

"But it's so _boring_," they said as one.

Some time went past, horrifyingly slowly.

"Dad," Naruto began again, "Why does she talk so slowly?"

"She's old, Naru."

"Why does she talk so _boring_?"

"She's _old_, Naru."

"She's not that bad," Sakura tried valiantly to defend her lecturer. She was the only one of the four actually taking notes.

"Yes, she is," the three men chorused as if they'd rehearsed it.

More time droned past.

"Is it time to go yet?" Naruto asked.

"Two more pages of lecture notes."

"Two and a half," corrected Sasuke with a barely withheld groan. Even Sakura was wilting, attempting to remain on-task. Kakashi had given up following entirely, preferring to draw stick figures in the margins of his (decidedly blank) notebook paper. The stick figures started as smiling people and gradually degenerated into fighting and blood and then towards the bottom of the page even those vague shapes gave way to random squiggles that probably made sense to the father. Naruto cringed and hoped he didn't show them around.

Genma leant forwards and tapped the father's shoulder. Kakashi half-turned to look at the man sitting in the row behind him. "Anko and I are gonna sneak out and go drinking. Wanna come?"

"Yes. Oh, yes."

"Dad!"

"Hey, if we're stuck here, so are you!"

"Sensei, you're setting a bad example again."

"Kids, at this point… I really don't care."

* * *

**Twin1**: Lol. Review?


	6. Drabble 6: Wave Arc

Twin1: Seriously, five thousand words for a Wave arc? Those flying pigs better watch out, it's going to start raining fire in a minute. This can only mean apocalypse.

* * *

**Intermission: The Butterfly Effect (AKA the Shortest Wave Arc in History)**

**An exercise in cannonofying my story**

_**This is not a real chapter. This is a what-if. As in, 'what if Kakashi actually let his team on the Wave arc?' The 'real' Wave Arc chapter is chapter 14 in the main story.**_

* * *

It was quiet in the Hatake household. Naruto sat opposite his father at the dinner table, submissively eating everything Kakashi had put on his plate. Kakashi himself watched in fascination as morsel after morsel disappeared, and inwardly applauded his son's doggedness. At last, three pieces of broccoli were all that remained on the blonde's porcelain plate.

Kakashi had really only given the kid the vegetable as a token bid to feed his child a healthy diet, and while Naruto had managed the peas and carrots this meal had included, Kakashi seriously doubted his son's ability to hold true through the consumption of the Most Hated Food Except Spinach.

Naruto seemed to be struggling with himself as he slowly lifted his chopsticks. They hovered over his food for a moment before tentatively lifting a piece of broccoli. Another hesitation, then a grimace passed over Naruto's tan face and he shoved it into his mouth and swallowed quickly – without chewing, as far as Kakashi could tell. The second piece was harder, Naruto taking a full three minutes to navigate it from his plate to his mouth, and another minute and a half to work himself up to putting it inside the cavern. The third piece disappeared in a flash before he'd even swallowed the second, and Naruto gulped them both down together with a hearty swig of milk, looking hugely relieved and a little proud when he was done.

Kakashi hid a smile by eating a last portion of fried chicken. Naruto had to want something _really_ bad if he was willing to go to such lengths to earn favour in the eyes of his father.

_Wait for it_… he thought to himself. _Three… two… one…_

"Dad?"

_Bingo._ Kakashi looked up and met his son's eyes. "Yes, Naruto?" he said pleasantly. The blonde was looking at him with a very serious expression on his face.

"It's been three months since my graduation."

"It has," Kakashi agreed idly, wondering with some amusement where this was going. Naruto nodded.

"We've been on dozens of D-ranks – I have never done so many chores before in my _life_."

"Do you have a point?" If he did, Kakashi wanted him to make it. Naruto took a deep breath and seemed to steel himself.

"I want to go on a C-rank."

Dead silence echoed for a long moment. Even Pakkun didn't comment, though he did raise his head from the floor where he was having an impromptu nap.

"No," Kakashi said flatly, his tone icy and full of a warning to drop the issue. To his very great surprise, Naruto nodded again, this time in acceptance.

"We're – squad seven – we're not ready yet," he said. It was worded as a statement, but spoken as a question, and Kakashi made a wordless noise to convey agreement, suddenly feeling bad-tempered. Naruto pursed his lips. "When do you think we will be ready?" he asked. At his father's expression, he added quickly, "Just a ballpark figure, Dad – in a month, next year, when I'm thirty… you're our teacher, so you should know how we're progressing, right? How _are_ we doing? When will we be skilled enough to handle a low C-rank, like an escort mission or something?"

…Damn it. Kakashi narrowed his eye and glared at his innocent-looking son. When had the brat gotten so clever? His question was entirely reasonable, and Kakashi hated to admit it, but squad seven were well past the stage where they'd be capable of handling a low to mid-level C-rank. And now, Naruto had posed the question so reasonably yet in such a way that it was impossible to give an exceptionally vague answer, so he either had to admit that the kids were ready, or lie. And even if he _did_ lie, he would only be buying himself a very limited amount of extra time, anyway. With a heavy sigh, he put a hand up to his forehead, leaning against it.

"I suppose I could ask Hokage-sama for an easy C-rank," he allowed grudgingly, and was rewarded with Naruto's expression of sheer joy as the boy launched himself right over the table at his father.

"REALLY? Dad, you're the BEST!"

* * *

Sarutobi looked surprised, and irritatingly amused. "A C-rank?" he echoed. Kakashi nodded even as a medic attempted to pry him from his armour.

"This is bloody stuck on," the woman complained. "It's buckled right together. You can barely breathe! Did an elephant stand on you, or what?"

"A building fell on me," the jounin who moonlighted as an ANBU said helpfully. He took several quick, shallow breaths to try and work more oxygen into his system, and turned back to the Hokage. "Yeah, a C-rank. Naruto asked me for one. But I really don't want – ow! Kita!"

"This has to come off one way or another," replied the medic, who was now attempting to pry the front and back plate of the white armour apart with a kunai. Kakashi sighed at her.

"I really don't want a hard one," he continued. Sarutobi tried not to smile. "I mean, he thinks he's ready, but I'd prefer to start the squad off very small, you know?"

The Hokage nodded, setting his chin on his steepled fingers. His elbows were resting on the report Kakashi had just hand-delivered. Underneath that was the document he had been sent to retrieve from Iwa. They had already had the official discussions, Kakashi retelling the story verbally despite the scribbled report, the Hokage questioning and debriefing him in turn. Then Sarutobi had summoned a medic to extricate him from his clothing, as blood had started dripping through the crumbled armour and onto the rug, and Kakashi had started talking about his day job.

"I'm sure I can find something in the list for you," he said. "You probably won't be up for a C-rank for several days, but after that I'll-"

"No hurry," Kakashi interrupted. "Just wait for a really easy – really, really easy – one to come along. It doesn't have to be _now_."

The medic's partner knocked on the door once before entering, bearing a set of bolt cutters. Kita reached for them almost eagerly.

"Alright, Kakashi," the Hokage said as the pair of medics set about freeing Kakashi from his armour with a set of cringe-worthy 'shinck-_crack_' noises. "I'll keep a lookout for one that's the right fit."

"Thanks," Kakashi wheezed, winded by an unintentional blow with the handle of the bolt cutters. A moment later he was freed, and the wounds that were stoppered by the pressure of the destroyed armour began to bleed profusely. There was no time for talking as the medics attempted to patch him up and move him to the emergency ward simultaneously.

* * *

"Ah, squad seven. Good morning," said the chuunin behind the missions desk. He smiled at Naruto, who grinned back happily.

"Good morning, Akito-san," he said. "What are we doing today? Please not picking up the rubbish in the park? Please? I saw it on the way here – it's _gross_."

Kakashi put a hand on his son's head to quieten him and nodded a greeting at the chuunin. "What are our options today?" he asked. The chuunin looked down his list, first checking the scroll containing a list of names and that day's orders. The Hokage wasn't manning the desk today – he only did that on Thursdays – so there was a careful record of all the shinobi he wanted to assign to specific missions. All Akito had to do was check for pre-assigned missions (which was unlikely in a genin team) and then offer the teacher his pick of the D-ranks for the day.

To the chuunin's surprise, though, Hatake's name did turn up on the scroll.

_Hatake Kakashi and squad (Haruno S., Hatake, N., Uchiha, S.)_

_Mission: C-16428_

Akito quickly grabbed at the mission scrolls and located the missions with the recorded serial number. A quick read of the mission parameters to double-check it was a logical choice – mistakes had happened before and people had died because of it. His lips twitched upwards, and he looked over the lists before him again. "The Hokage has assigned a mission for you today, Hatake-san. A C-rank."

"C-rank?" Hatake echoed. Akito nodded, then realised that the young man was standing before him with a relatively fresh genin team – and his first one, at that. He smiled reassuringly.

"Just barely. It was classified as a D-rank until the client stipulated that the mission would take a week or more. It's just an escort mission."

"Who are we escorting, Akito-san?" asked Naruto. Akito switched his gaze to the child.

"Oh, an elderly gentleman who needs to get home. Nothing too dangerous, so make sure you enjoy the trip out of the village, okay?"

"Yes, sir!" chirped the blonde, grinning.

Kakashi stood unhappily behind his excited genin. Even Sasuke was looking remarkably hyped, a very unusual state for the emo child. The teacher had asked for a C-ranked mission to replace their usual D-ranks, true, but _weeks _ago! He had been secretly hoping that Sarutobi had refused his request. Or forgotten. But the old bastard had just _gone along with him_, which meant that Kakashi had _no excuse_.

With a snarl, he snatched the scroll offered to him and glanced at the name of the client – 'Tazuna' – so that he had an idea of whom to expect. "Thanks," he said. It was fairly obvious he wanted to add 'a lot'.

* * *

It was a peculiar feeling, being a puddle. The sensation was made even more disconcerting when the little hollow in the road you had decided to pool in was shared with your brother, who was also a puddle. From beneath the murky surface, the Demon Mist Brothers waited. The elder brother had tensed when the group they were hunting had appeared, distorted by their current forms. The old man, Tazuna, was walking in the middle, a small person ahead of him, one small person on either side and an adult walking placidly behind him.

"Aniki, wait," the younger said suddenly. "Look at that kid, the little one off to the right."

The elder brother paused, already halfway into the first motions of an attack. "The blonde one?" he said, a moment before the very child splashed through them. Both brothers winced in pain. "Do we know him?"

"Yes," the younger said grimly. "He's in the Bingo book."

"So young?" the elder brother was surprised, mind racing. He should remember such a young entry, right?"

"No," his brother whispered. "There's a picture in another entry – he's someone's kid. Someone… who was it…"

The elder brother gasped, a bubbling gurgle, as the adult ninja passed right over them – mercifully not stepping directly _into _and _through_ them like the blonde kid had. "Shit, Otouto, you're right. Do you know who _that_ is? That's Hatake Kakashi."

Instantly, the relevant information rushed back to the younger brother's mind, and he cringed. "That kid's _his_, Aniki! Hatake's _son_ is on this mission with him. What do we do?"

The elder brother hesitated. They had been given a mission to complete, but every missing-nin hooked into the underworld had gotten the memo not to mess with the psychotic fathers in Konoha – stories of Hatake's killing rampage years ago had made most leery of getting in between parent jounin and their children. Hatake specifically was rumoured to be even more protectively aggressive than a mama bear on meth.

They were supposed to kill the old man, Tazuna. But they weren't being paid _nearly _enough to take on Hatake Kakashi when the man's son was involved. Not by a long shot.

"Lay low," the elder brother said. "We'll wait until they're gone, and split."

"Momochi-" the younger brother started worriedly, but his sibling cut him off.

"Momochi can take on his own suicide mission, if he wants, but I need a _lot_ more gold on the line before I take on this group."

The younger brother murmured his agreement, and the pair settled back into their watery forms, waiting with bated breath until the group was gone, hoping they wouldn't be noticed.

* * *

Kakashi glanced over his shoulder suspiciously, shoulders tensing more with every step. That puddle contained two not-very-well-hidden chakra signatures, and was poorly placed to say the least. Obviously its inhabitants had attempted a 'hidden in plain sight' approach, which had… interesting results. The only puddle on a bone-dry road tended to _attract_ attention more than divert it, to be honest. Naruto had splashed happily through the little pool, and Kakashi had almost attacked them then and there, sure that they wouldn't take too kindly to his son's careless feet stomping them into the mud and tearing away droplets of water painfully, but there was no reaction whatsoever.

They were now a hundred yards down the road, and still nothing. Kakashi's paranoia was going haywire, but he was careful to stay happy and untroubled on the outside. Casually, he slipped his hand into his pocket and then brushed it passed a tree trunk on the side of the path. Where his hand touched, a tiny marker stuck to the bark, invisible to the naked eye. The Hatake kept moving as if nothing had happened, getting close enough to ruffle Naruto's hair (or grab him in an emergency, but that was coincidental) and smiled at the bridge builder.

Why were there ninja? Had they been waiting for Tazuna? Or were they after Kakashi himself? Or one of the two precious boys on his squad? Or both? And why hadn't they made a move yet?

If they were going to attack, when would it be? And from where? And by whom? The uncertainty was beginning to make his head ache.

This was going to be a long mission – he could tell.

The nuke-nin had come from nowhere. Kakashi clutched his kunai and mentally berated himself for not noticing Momichi's approach.

The man had come in with typical dramatic flair, wedging his sword in a tree and landing on it to strike a pose and gloat. Kakashi had reacted by grabbing for his son until he realised that the stranger had no interest in abducting Konohan children.

Something told him that Tazuna was intimately offended with how much his only adult protector had relaxed after the revelation. Never mind, this was outside the mission parameters anyway. The moment he dealt with the problem of a homicidal A-ranked ninja, he was turning the little party right around and marching them all straight back to Konoha, no arguments.

The fight had been typical. At first, Kakashi considered tearing off his hitai-ate, summoning his entire pack, letting loose a series of explosions and proceeding to go 'mega-ultra-protective-apeshit' on Momichi's arse, but the nuke-nin didn't seem too interested in fighting children, instead focusing on the jounin. So Kakashi settled into a more sedate cat-and-mouse kind of fight that he could almost enjoy.

Then, Momichi made a grab for one of the children and Kakashi was too far away to stop it. Naruto cried out as he was grabbed, struggling against the nuke-nin, and Kakashi's world froze dead.

"Well, well, well, those idiot brothers were right," Momichi drawled, holding the squirming child aloft by his collar with one big hand. "It really _is _you, Sharingan no Kakashi. Out on a mission with your very own brat, no less."

Kakashi was standing perfectly still, afraid even to breathe, watching his son in the hands of a ruthless mass-murderer. "Momochi Zabuza." He named the man, guessing that Momichi wanted as much.

The man looked delighted. "You've heard of me! Good, that makes this so much easier. Here's the deal, Hatake. I just want the old man. You, I'm guessing, want your kid. Hows about a trade?"

"You're blackmailing Sensei?" Sakura's voice was strident and jarring, at odds with the way she quailed in her place before Tazuna.

"Sakura, be quiet," Kakashi ordered sharply, not taking his eyes off the enemy, his mind working furiously.

"PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! I'M NOT A DOLL! Why does this always happen to _me_?" The last sentence was a plaintive whine, even as Naruto kicked and thrashed like he was possessed by the devil. The swordsman had to use two hands to hold him, and moved back a few paces to put some space between himself and the enemy. Sasuke was tense as a bowstring, dark eyes flickering as he worked angles. If Kakashi had seen that expression, he would have moved to touch the Uchiha, head off whatever action the boy was planning, but he didn't spare anyone even a microsecond of his attention. It was all Naruto, and the deadly man holding him.

Naruto, for his part, had gone limp. There was a long moment of silence, the stalemate making the air heavy and tense. Then, several things happened in quick succession.

First, Naruto thrashed again teeth sinking into the flesh of Zabuza's arm and nails digging viscously at any skin he could reach, one leg kicking backwards in a very well-aimed blow at a specific waist-level part of the missing-nin's anatomy. At the same moment, Sasuke moved, darting at the nuke-nin in a brave (if foolhardy and egocentric) attempt at rescue. Barely a tenth of a second after the children started moving, the adults were in motion as well. Zabuza shouted and tossed Naruto to the ground, snatching his sword up and swinging it down again as if to cleave the Hatake child in two. Kakashi's fight-and-defend hormones went nuts, drowning him in adrenaline and jerking his body forwards before he'd even computed any of these events, but he caught up quickly before he'd even taken two steps.

Catching Sasuke's shoulder, he tossed the Uchiha back, using the boy's kinetic energy to power the toss and send him tumbling over and over until he bumped into Sakura's shins. Sakura squeaked, and Tazuna gasped, each only just figuring out the too-fast-to-comprehend cascade of action.

Kakashi moved faster than he'd ever run before, sliding the last few feet and grabbing his son's jacket. He hurled Naruto with as much strength as he could muster, not even caring that the angle was one that would be impossible to recover from for either Hatake, that Naruto was about to end up hitting the ground face-first and that Kakashi himself was going to end up lying on the ground directly in the path of a sword being swung by a _very_ pissed off A-ranked ninja. The adult landed hard and pulled up his hands, trying to find a jutsu or pose to ward off death, grimly convinced that even if he died right then and there, it was a fair trade. Somewhere in the background Sakura screamed and then screamed again, her voice changing colour slightly. Her teacher didn't even register the noise, holding in a grunt of pain as he managed to cross his arms in time to stop Zabuza's blow, his arm guards deadening the worst of the impact. Still, the blade cut through to bone and stuck, and it was agonising, _but worth it_.

Zabuza was leaning on the weapon, his body weight and the razor sharp sword working in tandem to gradually force their way through Kakashi's upturned ulna in each arm millimetre by excruciating millimetre. Then, he reared back, jerking the sword out of Kakashi's flesh with a shout of surprise more than pain.

Kakashi scrambled to his feet, spun his eyes around to check on Naruto's continued existence, spotted the boy with a nasty graze that had stripped the skin off the lower half of his face, and turned to look at what had caused Zabuza to withdraw. A white-armour-clad figure stood off to his right, fingers decorated with a glinting senbon. The weapon's twin was being pulled mulishly out of a pressure point in Zabuza's sword arm by the warrior victim.

"Now, I think that's enough," said a light female voice from behind a porcelain mask – not that Kakashi needed it.

"Yuugao," he breathed, relieved beyond measure to see her and the rest of her squad, who had formed a basic defensive perimeter around his child – his children. Zabuza backed up a step, eyes flicking around to see each adult Konohan ninja, calculating the odds. They weren't good, and he knew it, even taking into account his ally waiting in the wings. He turned and fled.

Kakashi rolled to his feet and moved back to Naruto, torn between chasing down the threat to his child and hurrying that same child to a secure facility. The ANBU resolved the issue for him, all three of Yuugao's teammates taking off after the missing-nin. Yuugao herself stayed behind, gliding towards him through the air like she was moving through water. In a moment, she had reached him and was examining his arms, wrapping them quickly in pressure bandages to stem the bleeding.

"You're lucky we were around," she said reprovingly, her voice low so that only he could hear her. "We saw your marker and tracked you here. Really, Kakashi, Momochi Zabuza?"

"I was handling it," Kakashi said glibly, just as low as his friend. She tilted her head in a way that conveyed a sceptical expression despite her mask shielding her face. "Yes, I'm sure," she said. "Good call laying the tag, by the way."

Kakashi nodded. The tag he'd planted, way back when he'd gone past that suspicious puddle, was a general Stand Ready to Render Assistance ticket. It was a signal used to tell any comrades who passed by it that the person who placed it may be in danger, and if they could, to stop by and check on them. Each tag was imbued with specific chakra signs – Kakashi's, for example, had indicated that it was a genin team that may need assistance. It seemed Yuugao had convinced her squad leader to stray off-course to mount a rescue.

"We didn't distract you from your own mission, did we?" Kakashi asked. Yuugao scoffed, giving the bandages one last tug and standing back.

"Of course not, Jounin-san," she said at a normal volume. "We were just returning home when we came across your distress signal. If you will excuse me."

She bowed a little and left, pursuing her squad and, by extension, the missing-nin. Kakashi watched her go.

"Sensei? Where is she going?" Sakura sounded about an inch away from fainting.

"To capture Momochi, I presume," the teacher replied neutrally, carefully controlled as he turned back to his squad. "Sasuke, that was a stupid move. You could have gotten yourself – and all of us – killed. Sakura, try not to scream: it's distracting and can cause an ally to hesitate at the wrong moment. Naruto, love, are you okay? That looks like it hurts."

Naruto had blood oozing steadily from the graze, but it was healing with typical quickness. Still, his tone was subdued as he said, "Yeah, Dad, I'm fine."

"Nothing else broken?" Kakashi pressed, reaching for his son and pulling him closer, looking for any damage the nuke-nin may have done. Naruto shook his head. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry!" Naruto burst out. "I'm sorry I let him get me. Now you're hurt and I'm hurt and you knocked Sasuke over and yelled at Sakura and the _ANBU _had to clean up the mess. It's all my fault."

Kakashi sighed. Why couldn't kids have this sort of crisis when the rest of life was calm, rather than when it was ready to explode at any moment? "It wasn't your fault," he said firmly. "My squad, my responsibility. My fault. I'm sorry that happened, Naruto."

Blue eyes looked at him dubiously. "It's not your fault you got wrong information," the child pointed out. Kakashi felt a little of the enforced numbness slip away at the sentence, a glimmer of anger slipping through. He caught sight of the guilty-looking bridge builder and his vague suspicion was confirmed. The glimmer became a beacon, then a sun, which Kakashi stamped on before it could go supernova. That didn't stop him from rearing up and grabbing Tazuna by the throat.

"You!" he snarled. "This is _your_ fault! Why the hell didn't you tell us there were ninja after you?"

Tazuna wheezed, his hands going to the strong fingers restricting his airflow. "I… had no choice," he gasped. "I couldn't afford to pay for a B-ranked mission or higher… I could barely get a C-rank… Wave is poor, in an economic crisis. I have to get back to-"

"There is a _reason_ we rank missions!" Kakashi raged. "We assign shinobi with a suitable skill level to those missions. My _son_ was almost killed just now, you idiot! My _son_! For want of a little information!"

Sasuke was cringing away from the angry teacher, his nose smarting with the memory of pain as he recalled his own run-in with this protective parent side of Kakashi. Tazuna was lucky to still be alive, all things considered. Maybe it was because the jounin had lost a lot of blood…

"Dad," Naruto was saying, tugging on Kakashi's vest. "Daddy, let him go, it's okay. I'm okay. Let him go."

"Tch." With a noise of disgust, Kakashi tossed their client aside and stalked away a little, pulling his son with him. Tazuna sank to the ground and stayed there, silent, wondering what would happen now.

It was a few hours before anything happened. A masked person slipped down beside Kakashi, appearing in the space between one blink and the next. "Gekko," the Hatake acknowledged, not opening his eyes. Gekko inclined his head.

"Jounin-san. I was sent back to check if you require any more assistance. Our hunt is leading us further away than is feasible to offer help to you."

Kakashi jerked his chin at Tazuna. "Take him," he said, "to his home. I'll take my genin to ours."

The ANBU nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Thank you, _sir_," Kakashi stressed, reminding the man who had been his subordinate that he wasn't supposed to 'sir' jounin, especially jounin he was apparently pretending not to know.

Gekko titled his head, the equivalent of a wry smile, and bowed shortly before snatching up the spluttering civilian and disappearing. Kakashi himself massaged his temple, his other hand grabbing his son – it was a comfort-reaction, like thumb-sucking. Naruto groaned and squirmed, but he was firmly stuck and Dad was staring into space, having a little brain break. Sasuke smirked at the kid, and Naruto made a tortured face that made even Sakura grin.

"Okay," Kakashi said, shaking himself out of his funk. "Home. Let's head off."

* * *

Hatake Kakashi was, Sarutobi decided, becoming all to accustomed to barging into the Hokage office without invitation. The jounin had announced his arrival back in town by breezing right into his office and interrupting a security conference with his ANBU guards. The ANBU faded back into shadows upon seeing their once-comrade, and Sarutobi opened his mouth to reprimand the jounin, before closing it with a sigh. What was the point?

Kakashi slapped a report down on the desk, a report that was a wad of papers much thicker than the two or three sheets needed for a usual C-rank, let alone a tame one like the one he had sent squad seven on.

"You," he said slowly, "_suck_ at this game."

Sarutobi blinked. "I beg your pardon?" he said. Kakashi shook his head.

"If you think _that_ was a C-rank, you've finally gone senile, old man. I am _never_ letting those brats out of the village again. Ever."

And then he left, as abruptly and rudely as he had entered. Sarutobi sighed and flicked the report open, expecting news of bad-tempered clients and arguing genin, and maybe some troublesome wildlife or bandits. He promptly choked on his pipe two sentences in.

"What? Kisho, get Hatake Kakashi back in here!" he called to his secretary. "Momochi Zabuza, indeed!"

* * *

Twin1: BEFORE YOU FLAME ME:

I know, it's a little weird putting up a 'fake' chapter, but I just really really really wanted to write this arc. I _desperately_ wanted to do the Wave arc. I don't even know why. I do concede that it is highly unlikely for the mission to be randomly assigned to the Naruto in this world, but the concept of Kakashi turning around at the first Zabuza-fight was actually what sparked the whole story, years ago. So I'm putting it here, in the drabbles fic.

Thank you. I look forward to your comments on what has to be _the shortest _Wave arc in history.

**Also: Faiyuuhi on DeviantArt is drawing the UP doujinshi! Eeek! She's got four pages out so far. Go check it out, leave a message.**


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